Camelot WTF
by relentlessimp
Summary: A retelling of the classic Arthurian mythos in a highly anachronistic steam-magic-myth-punk world vaguely based on alternative history rooted in a what-if that asks the question a lot and takes a lot of liberties with the answers while placing the tale roughly in the modern age.
1. Dramatis Personae & Glossary

**Our Dramatis Personae**

Merlin Aloisius Ambrosius, a transgendered (MtF) sorceress, daughter of Goodwife Alisai Ambrosius and an unknown male.

Artura Pendragon, firstborn and only daughter of Uther XXIV of Albion and Ygraine of Edinburgh (deceased), crown heir to the throne, sixth of her name. Bears the Gauntlet "Excalibur", which was gifted to her from the King and Queen of the Sidhe via the Lady of the Lake at her birth, which replaced her right arm entirely (and grew with her as she grew up). Excalibur grants Artura a Resonance of 100%.

Morgause Gorlois, firstborn son of Gorlois, 48th Duke of Cornwall and Igraine of Edinburgh.

Morgana le Fay, sorceress, firstborn daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Camlen (deceased), now the adopted daughter of Gorlois, 48th Duke of Cornwall and Igraine of Edinburgh.

 **A BRIEF GLOSSARY OF TERMS**

 _(Not because they're weird, but because they have specific, different meanings from normal. Also they're weird.)_

 **Ether:** The energy of the realm of the Sidhe, which permeates the mortal world due to the realm being coterminous with Earth. There is also a small internal reservoir of Ether within living beings, which serves as the basis for magic.

 **Faestone:** A stone from the realm of the Sidhe, a miniscule piece of which is used in the construction of Gauntlets. An individual can utilize a Faestone to amplify their magical resonance to produce spells. All forms of Faestone is identical for amplification purposes, and is quantumly entangled with all other Faestone.

 **Faestone Attunement:** The process of attuning to Faestone for the first time, typically around age 10, after which a person's Resonance is measured. As Faestone is quantum entangled, attuning once attunes an individual with all forms of Faestone.

 **Gauntlet:** A catch-all term for any item that has a mote of Faestone within it that facilitates the use of magic. Almost always a form of hand-covering as the easiest taught and understood form of mental focus is picturing one channeling the magic through one's hand, both for mental clarity and for aiming purposes.

 **Resonance:** How closely a person's individual magical resonance cleaves to the resonance of the realm of the Sidhe, determining how powerful their magic can be. Typically measured after one's attunement to Faestone, as most people do not produce enough Resonance worth noting before the amplification Faestone provides. The highest rating is 100% Resonance.

 **Sidhe:** Pronounced "Shee". The Fair Folk. The Lords and Ladies. Elves. A separate people, disinterested in what they term the "mortal world" beyond being gargantuan dicks to mortals with the rare occasion of showing kindness. Their world is coterminous with Earth, with gateways into it located in fairy rings, free-standing stone circles, and within the deepest, darkest parts of forests. They have a pact of non-aggression now with the mortal world, which means the two worlds mostly leave each other alone.

 **Sorcerer/Sorceress:** Individuals who show a high level of Resonance even before Faestone Attunement, capable of producing tangible spells without the need of amplification (above 20% Resonance). Population census places these individuals at 1 in every 1,000,000 people, with a higher than 50% in 1 in every 100,000,000 people.


	2. Prologue

_So long as you have good friends, nothing else matters.  
_ -Julius Caesar

 **The Prologue of Merlin**

Merlin grunted and curled into a ball as sunlight, filtering in through the windows, struck her closed eyes, burrowing herself deeper into her blankets. Irritation tensed her muscles as her mother threw open shade after shade, casting dawn's rays throughout her room and stealing away the blessed darkness.

"Gimme jus' fivemoreminutes mom," Merlin grumbled sleepily, words slurring together as she tried to turn her head into the pillow to block out the light stealing away the shadows built up behind her eyelids.

"Oh, no. You're not getting away with that 'five more minutes' nonsense today, Merl," Alisai stated as she seized hold of Merlin's blanket, yanking on it roughly and trying to tear it from her daughter's form. "I give you five minutes, it turns into ten, then twenty, then an hour later you finally stumble out of bed and wind up late for class."

"Mom! That was the old me! Last year! C'mon, it's too damned bright out." Merlin tightened her grip upon the blanket, trying to keep her mother from stealing away the blanket that was keeping her warm. Out there lay autumnal weather of icy winds, damp morning and not nearly enough warmth from the sun in comparison to how bright it was.

The tug-of-war continued for several more moments as Merlin tried to curl, drawing the blanket in with her knees and hands, clenching tightly to it, while Alisai jerked and pulled at the blanket, tugging it out of Merlin's grasp where her curled grip failed to secure it properly. Eventually, however, as was always the case, mother dearest won.

"Merlin, come on, get up!" Alisai shouted in triumph as she yanked the blanket fully off of Merlin's body - then froze. Merlin, still half-asleep and grumbling, slowly sat up, rubbing at her eyes before realizing exactly what her mother was staring at.

"Er..." Alisai said, staring, as Merlin's cheeks turned a brilliant crimson color. "I'll just... go get... breakfast ready, shall I?" the older woman said as she resolutely turned away from her daughter's nude form. "I think I'm going to get you an alarm clock to get you up. Yes. I mean, awake, not up, right," she rambled as she left the room, leaving a thoroughly embarrassed Merlin staring at the closed door.

Finally, Merlin collapsed onto her back, covering her eyes with her arm. "For fuck's sake," Merlin groaned. "That's a great way to start the school year, right? Just kill me now."

 **The Prologue of Morgana and Morgause**

 _Thud. Thud. Thud._ Morgause's fist pounded against his adoptive sister's bedroom door, the sound echoing through the spacious hallways of the eastern wing of the mansion. Morgause, the early-riser, already cleaned and dressed in the new school uniform.

"Come ON, Ana," Morgause called through the door, as his solid fist _thud_ ded against the door again. "I don't wanna be late for the first day, so let's goooooooooooo!"

"Piss off, Goze," Morgana called from within the chamber, chucking a pillow at the door, which _whump_ ed solidly against it. "I'll be up and ready in like, twenty minutes, so destress your breasts already."

Morgause stared at the door, fuming mildly. Arms crossed over his chest as he leaned back against the wall next to it, tapping his foot impatiently against the floor as he waited for his sister. Within the chamber, Morgana rolled lazily over in bed, stretching out slowly and letting out a soft sigh. Last night had been a late one for her, poring through the new textbooks for her AP Wizardry class and practicing some of the more complex spells - a number of which had felt like they had worked, but without a living target to try them out on it was impossible to tell.

"You know Artura's gonna be here with the coach in thirty minutes, right?" Morgause called, reaching a hand down and thumping it against the door next to him again. "And since you can't take a bath without a minimum of twenty minutes, you need to get your ass up and going already."

"For the love of Albion, Goze!" Morgana shouted as she sat up on the edge of the bed, running a hand through her hair to push the messy strands from her face. "I'm getting up! Why don't you go jerk off or something and leave me be?!"

"I would but I'd still have nineteen minutes before your bath's done!" Morgause shouted back. Then... "Wait. That sounded way worse than I - STOP LAUGHING!" he yelled, turning on the door and grabbing the knob as Morgana's peals of laughter screamed through the room, the girl collapsed on the bed helplessly as laughter tore through her form. Morgause shook the knob, yanking at the door. "Stop! That came out wrong!"

"Yeah, you sure did if it only takes you a minute! I feel bad for your girlfriend!" came Morgana's response through her laughter, tears in her eyes. "Just go take your sixty seconds and I'll be out soon."

Morgause stomped off, leaving Morgana to her paroxysms of laughter and her morning rituals.

 **The Prologue of Artura**

"Dad?" Artura groaned, rubbing a hand against her face as she sat up in bed. "I thought Bertrand was supposed to wake me in the mornings, not you."

Uther XXIV, King of Albion, Lord of the Isles, was seated next to Artura's four-poster bed, clad in the ermine robes of state, with the glistening crown of the High Throne seated upon his head. Despite his young age, gray was already streaking his once raven-black hair, and wrinkles formed upon his forehead from the stress of his position.

"I thought it best I wake you this morning," Uther stated, offering his daughter a reassuring smile. "Everything's fine, nothing horrible's happened since you lay down, I just wanted to..." He froze here, and looked down, rubbing at his knuckles, a habit Artura recognized as a nervous habit. Artura frowned, scooting to the far edge of the bed and easing out of it, smoothing down her dressing gown.

"I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, Artura," Uther finally said. "You've kept your grades up and managed to get into C-P on your own merits, rather than getting in just because of who your father is - like I did. Your real education begins today, and I-"

"Whoa, whoa, wait, Dad," Artura said, rounding on him, her golden right arm gleaming faintly in the sunlight dappling in through the windows. Hands raised, trying to keep Uther from saying anything else. "Are you telling me you woke me up just to - I don't know, what? Give me some kind of pep talk?"

"Well, I don't know if I'd put it that way," Uther replied, looking a little embarrassed. "But... yes, I suppose."

Artura stared at her father for a few long moments of silence, then groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Dad, this is five more minutes of sleep I could have used. But okay, yeah, I get it." She lowered her hands and moved around the bed to her father, reaching her hands, both flesh-and-blood and golden mechanic, and laid her hands on her father's shoulders, staring him in the eyes. "I get it. I'll make you proud to have me succeed you, one day, somewhere far, far in the future, way out there, when you've gotten old and gray and feeble and-"

"Yes, yes, okay," Uther interrupted, irritation flashing across his features as he pushed Artura's hands down and away from his shoulders. "I get your point." The two stared at each other for a moment, then as they always did, broke into smiles.

"Alright, dad, get out, I need to get cleaned and dressed. Gotta put on the best face as the future official throne-occupier, right?"

"The title is 'Queen'," Uther grumped, pushing himself up out of the seat next to the bed. "But yes. Bertrand will be in with your uniform soon."

"Thanks, dad. Now out," Artura said, pointing imperiously at the door.

"Hang on a moment, I'm the bloody King. Where do you get off ordering me around?" Uther planted his hands on his hips, scowling down at Artura.

"Oh, dad. I don't get off on it. It's just fun," Artura said, throwing a wink up at the suddenly-horrified expression on Uther's face. Uther, with no comeback, trudged towards the door, face twisted in a mixture of disgust and horror as Artura headed for the bathing chamber.

 **The Friends United**

"Well, well, if it isn't the Royal Playmate, the Royal Companion, and the Royal Bitch," Artura said as she clambered into the carriage and took a seat next to Merlin, Morgause and Morgana seated across from the two of them.

"Which one of us is supposed to be the companion and which is the bitch?" Morgause asked, raising a brow at Artura.

"You know what? I've never been entirely clear on that. Why don't you two fight it out amongst yourselves," Artura replied, grinning broadly.

"Oh, then Goze is definitely the bitch," Morgana said, reaching an arm up around her brother's shoulders and giving them a squeeze while he tried to shove her off of him with an irritated expression.

"Given your attitude, it should probably be you," Morgause stated. "I've never seen a bitchier individual, and yes, I'm including the coach from the JV team."

"Harsh," Morgana said, shaking her head with a smile as she removed her arm from his shoulders. "But that cattiness pretty much secures your position as the bitch, doesn't it?"

"Oh piss off, Ana," Morgause grumbled. "I don't know why the three of you aren't taking this more seriously. It's our first day, new school, where we know basically nobody but each other. A chance to leave behind the immaturity of middle school ahd the insignificance of our actions. Moving with the children of the upper crust of Albion society, where connections made, for good or ill, will last for a lifetime, and shape the future of our country." A moment of silence pervaded the carriage then, with Morgause's face shining with the sincerity of what he said, the gravity of what he viewed as the truth of the matter.

"I'm just glad I don't have to put up with the royal crap you three do," Merlin said, glancing up from her phone briefly. "I'm just going to go in, keep my head down, try not to piss off anyone too important, and get the credits I need to get into uni. I wish the rest of you the very best of luck in not starting a war, though I'm sure Artura will manage to start one by the end of the month."

Morgause and Morgana laughed, while Artura laid a solid punch into Merlin's shoulder, causing her to yelp and rub at her bruised arm. "Well if you hadn't decked the crap out of Prince Emil last year I wouldn't have said anything!" Merlin said in defense.

"He deserved it," Artura grumped, crossing her arms over her chest. "Little creep trying to feel me up."

"Maybe he just wanted to know what touching a boob was like before he had to go back home," Morgana suggested with a broad grin.

"Maybe he should grow a pair of his own that he can touch all he wants," Artura growled, fuming. "Little shit. I'm glad Dad didn't have to deal with any backlash from it due to all the witnesses, but he completely deserved being decked."

"Well that may be so, but I advise caution now, Princess," Morgause said, adopting his serious expression again. "While the heir to a faraway Emirate resulted in little concern, those you may insult or impugn here will be much more local, and much more imminent threats should they choose to take action. I- gk-" Morgause had gotten no further because Artura had just punched him in the stomach.

"You know I hate being called Princess. Cut it out," Artura said, rubbing at her knuckles. "Look, we'll be fine. Well, most of us; we've been raised from day one to interact with people of high standing. And Merlin's already said she just wants to stay unnoticed, so we've got nothing to be concerned about."

"Artura's right, Goze." Morgana patted his shoulder. "You're worrying over nothing. You should really just be more concerned about making the team this year, right?"

"I guess you're right." Morgause rubbed at his stomach. "I'll try to be less of a worrywart. I'm just looking forward to this year."

"Aren't we all," Morgana said, staring dreamily out of the window towards the winding, cobbled streets as the carriage clattered towards their future.


End file.
